“The art of conversation is the art of hearing as well as of being heard
”
A conversation with a friend
Below is shared conversation through email with a close friend back in February of 2017. This is not the whole conversation but contains a part and helps illustrate how a process of open communication helped us both understand one another.
Heather:
Hey Kyle,
You will let me know when I am being too overbearing, right? I have some more questions as I have been thinking about what you said as well as what I am reading, but I know you are busy so do not feel like you need to answer them any time soon. They may also require some thought on your part... I just wanted to type them up before I forgot them.
I really do want to help create a better and more loving culture in the Church, so here are a few questions I have so far. I know everyone is different and would have unique answers, but I was curious as to your thoughts:
-What is the best way to respond when someone expresses that they experience same-sex attraction?
-Are there things that are offensive to say or that we should avoid saying that will help us be more sensitive? I mean something that maybe people say all the time, but don't realize it is offensive or uncomfortable to someone who experiences same-sex attraction. For example, I learned from a video on the Mormonandgay website that we probably should not tell people that after this life they will be able to marry the opposite sex. One man expressed that he has no desire to be with a woman, so it makes him uncomfortable when people say that. I realize, like you said, that there is a spectrum and you cannot speak for all people who do experience same-sex attraction, but from your perspective are there anythings that will help me be more sensitive?
-When someone does open up to you that they experience same-sex attraction, should we continue to reach out to them and ask them how they are doing with that particular subject? Or just talk to them like "normal" and avoid talking about dating/etc? I just don't know if they want me to bring it up. I guess that best thing to do is probably just ask them after they open up to you if they want you to follow up with them.
-What is the best way to support someone after they open up to you?
Remember you do not have to answer all of the questions. Just whatever ones you want to answer, and WHEN you have time. No rush at all. Just me thinking and trying to understand. Because you know I have plenty of time to think. :)
Heather
ME:
Hey Heather,
No worries at all! I don't think you are overbearing at all. :) I trust both you and Taylor. I know you are both trying to understand, and I will do my best to answer any question you both may have. Of course, some of these answers may be different for others, however, I feel that most would hopefully agree, especially those coming from a religious background.
-What is the best way to respond when someone expresses that they experience same-sex attraction?
I think the best thing to do is listen. Many times, when people present us with a problem or issue we immediately want to help and present a solution. Most of the time (speaking from experience) the person has very much thought about the problem a thousand times over trying to understand the doctrine, feelings, and stances the church has made. In addition, they have thought about the many potential solutions, such as dating, marriage, celibacy, and/or acting on those feelings. It doesn't usually to help to try to tell them solutions they have already thought of before. A person who deals with these issues is not usually going to a heterosexual person to have them help fix them. That usually isn't what they are looking for. Trying to give someone a solution when they come to you with a problem doesn't only happen with this issue, but other situations in life as well. (A funny example, though I believe it a little extreme, is the nail in the head video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg) Of course, if someone asks for advice then it is good to give it.
Most of the time when someone is telling someone else about their SSA- being gay, it is to connect with them and to share that experience. They do it to acknowledge trust in sharing that part of them, and possibly to gain a confident(s), amid the confusion of the topic, especially in the church. In addition, I believe it helps in personally (me) acknowledging and accepting the condition which helps with knowing you are accepted even with those feelings. Of course, there are others that tell people because they are declaring what they are doing with their life by being a certain way and to live a certain lifestyle. In the end, the reason each person shares this issue is personal.
The last point I would make is a person should respond is with love. Show that you love that person, even if you are confused, hurt, and/or surprised by the announcement. It doesn't help if the other person's response is negative. It can lead to distrust, more pain, and possibly ruin the relationship. Again, that depends on the person. (I think this video, which you have probably seen before, is a good example of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
(I'd just like to add you and Taylor responded very well! You shouldn't have to worry :)
-Are there things that are offensive to say or that we should avoid saying that will help us be more sensitive? I mean something that maybe people say all the time, but don't realize it is offensive or uncomfortable to someone who experiences same-sex attraction. For example, I learned from a video on the Mormonandgay.org website that we probably should not tell people that after this life they will be able to marry the opposite sex. One man expressed that he has no desire to be with a woman, so it makes him uncomfortable when people say that. I realize, like you said, that there is a spectrum and you cannot speak for all people who do experience same-sex attraction, but from your perspective is there anything that will help me be more sensitive?
Good question. Yes, I agree with that response from the website. Avoid things like saying, "It is just a challenge of this life- it will be over soon." "Hold on. You can get through this." Responses like this make it seem like it is an endurance challenge to the finish line, to see who can grit their teeth until the end of the race of life to have these feelings magically removed. I believe this is unhealthy and leads to improper thoughts about the value of someone's life. It also gives the suggestion they cannot have a fulfilling life if they have those feelings.
I used to think if I could take a magical pill to have these challenges removed I would have. However, at this point in my life, I am really grateful for this experience. I am much more confident about who am and the life I have been given. There are many times I wished I didn't exist. That my worth was based on my sexuality, and that I was somehow broken based on much of the rhetoric of family and friends I heard growing up. It seemed nice to think if you could die, it would all go away- the feelings and all the judgment. By escaping you could magically become heterosexually and rid yourself of this sick disease.
I'm grateful that isn't my mindset anymore. I have truly come to enjoy life. The depression and anxiety I felt a lot of the time has disappeared as I have accepted my circumstances and have become more confident with that situation. I have found so much more joy and happiness. It also has allowed my relationship with God to grow, as I see him not as the origin or cause of the problem itself. And that He isn't the cause of the hateful rhetoric of the past in both society and the Church, but that comes from the imperfect men and women of the world.
-When someone does open up to you that they experience same-sex attraction, should we continue to reach out to them and ask them how they are doing with that particular subject? Or just talk to them like "normal" and avoid talking about dating/etc? I just don't know if they want me to bring it up. I guess that best thing to do is probably just ask them after they open up to you if they want you to follow up with them. What is the best way to support someone after they open up to you?
I've combined these last two questions because I feel they go hand in hand. This one depends on the person. For me, personally, unless the person says otherwise, I would treat them the same. Don't do anything different. However, every once in awhile I don't think it is bad for someone to ask how things are going (though that may vary from time to time with each person). For many people I've talked to, especially those who haven't opened up to anyone yet, their biggest worry is that others will define them by the label of "gay", "lesbian", "homo", or " that person who struggles with SSA". They fear that their identity will get lost in those labels- which in many cases, especially in the church, is true. However, if you really look at that person, you will see that they have dealt with that their whole life. So, in other words, they are the same person you've known the whole time. One thing that was hard for me with my parents is that by trying to be more loving, they seemed to treat me differently. They seemed to try to remind me how much I was loved- I never doubted that, and it kind of bothered me they said it more and more. I felt it wasn't necessary. However, for some people that may be needed. For me, I just needed to tell them and see them treatment the same- no special treatment. (This also stems from my very strong, independent nature haha).
Also, I'd like to add that if the person is struggling and they feel loved and understood by the other person, they should be very willing to go to those they trust in to confide in them about any struggles and hardships they may be experiencing.
Also, I was up in Salt Lake Saturday night. I was able to visit my family for a little bit. I had an excellent and very open conversation with my parents. It was great. It was the best conversation we've ever had. I brought it up, though they did tell me earlier in the day they got the book. I felt like it broke down any other awkwardness I had felt around them that remained as we were able to communicate freely and respect each others' points even when we didn't agree on every point. It helped see each person's perspective on the subject, and in the end, I felt understood and loved. It became a good to educate and help clear misconceptions. I realize the best thing is open communication, loving one another, patience, and accepting each person has their agency and to respect how they use it.
I hope these responses help. Please keep the questions coming! I really enjoy this. It feels good to write these down too. The last three years have a been rollercoaster in coming to acknowledge this part of me. I feel though now I can look back over my whole life and analyze what has happened. It helps me see that I can be a tool in helping educate others, in addition to a more loving environment for those who are gay. All I can say is I no longer fear the future, but I see a bright light of hope and understanding. I'm happy to be able to help in that. So I really do appreciate this!
Hope this gives you more think about with your free time, haha. Keep the questions coming! Let me know if I need to clarify anything. I will respond to them when I can.
Have a great day!
Kyle