“When we share our stories, what it does is, it opens up our hearts for other people to share their stories. And it gives us the sense that we are not alone on this journey.”
My Story
Well, here we are. Where to begin. It's late. Currently it is 1 AM on a Friday morning, September 15th, 2017. I was trying to fall asleep but I couldn't. I was restless. I've felt a recent urgency to type this up. I've had the same feeling the last couple nights to do so. Each night, the feeling has returned more intensely but I just pushed it away. I have now chosen not to ignore that feeling. My original hope was to post this in a month or so with a video. That has actually been my plan all Summer. However, it looks like plans have changed. So please bear with me and my late night writing.
I will start by saying that four years ago, I never in a million years imagined I would share this story with you or anyone else, not even with my closest friends and family. My experiences and feelings were something that I wanted to take with me to my grave. Never to be known by another soul. Yet, again, here you are reading a very personal part of my life. In sharing this intimate part of my life, I do so with the hope to help and to inspire those who silently struggle with similar issues. As well, I hope to help create a better conversation on this topic with people from all walks of life, even when there are clashing viewpoints.
Brief Background
I was born and raised in a wonderful, orthodox LDS (Mormon) family in Salt Lake County, Utah. At a young age I began to realize that I was different- I was attracted to other guys. At first, I didn't understand the implications of those feelings, especially in regards to my religious upbringing. As the years progressed into Junior High and High School those feelings didn't go away. It scared me. I became anxious. I was alone. I truly felt something was wrong with me. At the time there was no positive information, widely shared at least, within the LDS Church about people who were attracted to the same sex. Quite frankly, there were more negative and degrading remarks than positive (In recent years, this has improved but is far from perfect). Many nights were spent on my knees as I cried and prayed that these feelings would go away. There were times I would fast every week to try to rid myself of what I felt was an unholy attraction. I dated girls in hope that such feelings would vanish and a new found attraction for women would flourish. But that wasn't the case.
The Mission
I proceeded with the typical Mormon life plan. After graduating high school, I decided to serve a volunteer mission for the Church. I was called to serve in Northern Chile for two years. I left a few months after graduating high school in August of 2011. I served for the full two years. I fell in love with the Chilean people and made many great friends. As well, it was nice not having to worry about dating and marriage for that time. I was able to put those thoughts aside- for the most part. Having only male companions for that time did present some other challenges, but thankfully none of them were that attractive (If any of my companions are reading this, I'm sorry it never would have worked out but I still love you).
Dating and college Life
Upon returning home from the mission in Summer of 2013, I was again entering into Mormon dating culture where there is the constant push to get married and do so as soon as possible (thankfully, this culture is slightly improving). Of course, me being me, I didn't want to be seen as different or dishonor my family, so I hopped right into dating life. It was my first semester of college at BYU in Provo, Utah. My plan was to find a girl and marry her. That was the solution. Then my feelings for guys would go away- it only made sense to me. I didn't even plan on telling the girl I would marry about these feelings. I figured after the honeymoon, all would be fine, right? So I started going on dates with different girls. No success and thankfully so. This time helped prepare me to face my feelings and begin the amazing journey to better understand myself.
The Video
Sometime in January of 2014 I was surfing Facebook (I'm sure I was procrastinating doing some homework) when I came across a post. I remember it was evening time. An old co-worker from a grocery store I had worked at in high school, who is gay, had shared a post from Carol Lynn Pearson (you will hear more about her later). In that post she shared a video of Becky and Xian Mackintosh. I watched the video (see the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T45-vFX7X-Y Also, a quick side note: the Mackintosh Family has a more recent video with the LDS Church here). This video would change the course of my life forever. I began to cry. At this moment in time, I realized I needed to be real about my feelings. I could no longer ignore them. I had struggled so for long and I still never had told a soul about what I felt. However, I saw Xian's invitation as a source of help, so I reached out to him and his mother, Becky. They were both wonderful. Talking to Xian was refreshing as I recognized I was not the only one with my experiences. As well, I felt safe talking to Xian because he never pushed any agenda. He only listened and answered any questions I had. I truly appreciated that. There was renewed energy in my life. Then I decided it was time. It was time to be more open. I decided I would tell my parents.
Telling my Parents
Telling my parents I was gay was probably one of the scariest things I have ever done (which was saying something because at this point in my life I had lived in a foreign country for two years where I had to learn the native language and then have difficult conversations with those individuals daily). Looking back, I don't know how I ever did it. Disclosing a part of you that will forever change how your loved ones perceive you is a challenge. Of course, I saw myself as being the same as I always had been. So truly I was just helping my parents understand another layer of my being.
It was a Sunday evening. I had come home for the weekend. I was nervous all of that day. Finally, I got the courage to ask my parents if I could talk to them privately in their room. They agreed and it was there I told them. I didn't really have a plan. We walked into their room. I could feel the awkward tension in the air. They were wondering what was going on. Then I just spilled it all out. I watched as I saw the reactions come across their faces. Their was some surprise and tears that appeared. I didn't know what else to say so I showed them the video with Becky and Xian. They responded well. Afterwards, there was crying, tension, and uncertainty in the room. But ultimately they told me that they loved me. That is what I needed to hear.
Hiding back in the closet
At this point I was on top of the world. I had told my parents. Now I was onto greater and better things, right? Wrong. After telling my parents I began to somewhat regret mentioning this to them- not because of how they handled it, but rather because I felt vulnerable- exposed. I realized, I didn't know what I wanted from all of this. I had no plan going forward. So after talking with my parents one more time about the subject (a week after our first talk), I let it go. I didn't want to talk about anymore. I didn't want anyone else to know this part of me. I soon deleted both Becky and Xian Mackintosh from Facebook because I was worried someone would associate me with them and connect the dots. I was ashamed. And for the next two and a half years this topic was never again brought up between me and my parents and we were both to blame for that.
Over the course of those two and half years I tried to return my life back to normal. I acted like none of the above mentioned events occurred. I began to date girls again in hope that this was all really a bad nightmare and I would find a wife and meet the standards of marriage as seen from a Mormon perspective. However, I still silently struggled. I went on dates, on-and-off, during my sophomore year with a wonderful girl. I thought she was the one. She would be the one that would cure me of this disease. There were a number of times where she told me that passion was lacking between us, and I thought well yeah, I'm gay. But I never brought it up to her during that time, and ultimately, it didn't worked out. Which looking back I think we are both grateful for. (And if she reads this I hope she knows how much I do appreciate her). I eventually told her and then another friend from work the summer of 2015. These were the first people I had told since my parents. My friend from work, upon telling him about me, then told me that he was also gay. This was nice to have someone to talk to again. But life grew busy and as time progressed we didn't talk as much. I again returned to my life, acting like nothing occurred. I then completed my Junior year at BYU in the accounting program which if you're familiar with their program will understand this is extremely intense year. Thankfully, that kept my thoughts occupied and kept me busy. This allowed me to not worry about dating but it did add for a very stressful year. I still silently struggled with understanding my sexuality.
Summer 2016
This was the summer I wanted to come to better terms with who I was. I did so by reconnecting with Xian Mackintosh once again. As well, I always wanted to meet Becky and personally thank her for the video they made (which I was able to do in August of that summer). Then around this time, I decided to tell three more people: a roommate, and two close friends from work (a husband and wife). I will not go into detail here about those interactions. But I will say this, that husband and wife ended up being two of the greatest allies a friend could ask for.
A few weeks after this I stopped at my parents house to do laundry before heading over to a friends house to watch the BYU v. Utah game. Before leaving my mom brought up the issue we both had been ignoring for the last two and a half years. At first, it caught me off guard. But after all that time I was willing to talk. She asked me what I planned to do. I told her I would try to date girls still until I graduated from BYU in April 2017 and then I would start dating guys. This was a little hard on her, she cried, but she handled it well. She told me she didn't agree with those choices but she would still love me and I would always be welcome in her house. My father was downstairs taking a nap. He didn't participate in this conversation but later gave me a letter in regard to the conversation I had with my mother. This letter led to some tension between us over the next couple months.
No more goodbyes - January 2017
The months between that conversation and letter, and the new year were a mix of wonderful and hard experiences. Some unneeded tension occurred between friends, in addition to some other situations in the dating scene that won't be discussed here. However, the new year brought in new beginnings.
When I had first reached out to the Mackintoshs, Xian had told me about the book No More Goodbyes: Circling the Wagons Around Our Gay Loved Ones by Carol Lynn Pearson. I never actually looked into reading it though. Ironically, it was Carol who had posted the Mackintosh video which was then shared by my old co-worker. In January I decided it was time to finally read the book.
I loved the book. It told stories, both sad and hopeful, of Mormon individuals who struggled with being gay. It dealt with the interactions with their families and how they handled it. It also spoke briefly of Carol's mix orientation marriage then later divorce. She told of her husband later contracting HIV which led to AIDs. She brought him in and took care of him until he passed away (She writes about that story in another book: Goodbye, I love you). Overall, I saw how this book could facilitate a productive conversation with my parents and others. So shared it with them.
The response to sharing this book with others was only positive. It opened doors of conversation between my parents and I. At this time I decided I would begin fully opening up to other individuals. I still had not told my siblings and closest friends I had grown up with. I began to do so. Their reactions were only positive and edifying. They all have been great allies to me. They all know who they are and I thank you.
Then extended family began to become aware as well. This led to mixed responses which is understandable since this topic is very controversial in a religious environment, especially in Mormonism. However, I have not let this change how I see and love those individuals. I hope the same from them as well.
Now I can say I am happier where I am at in life. Of course, I still have the average everyday stress as anyone else. There are still many other challenges still ahead but things are well. A few people have told me that I would never be the same person if I went down the path of dating men. They were right. I have only improved and found more light and joy in life. I now know what it is like to date an individual and actually like them. To feel both an emotional and physical connection with someone. Those closest to me have remarked how much happier and content I am. I agree. I believe there is a lot more we are learning and have yet to learn about sexuality both in society and in religion that will benefit all people.
Of course, I cannot speak for everyone else on this subject. It is a very personal decision- especially when coming from within the LDS faith or any other conservative background. A person needs to decide what is best for them. I applaud those that choose to have a mixed-orientation marriage if that is what they truly want. I applaud the individual who chooses to remain celibate if that is what she/he truly wants. I know individuals from both of those categories who I love and look up to very much. We as brothers and sisters, neighbors, friends, and family need to help support each other in our chosen walks of life. Let us not leave anyone on the wayside. Let us support one another and unite as a community. A community of diversity and love. Which brings me to last thought.
Listen, Connect, Love
Through the course of the last three and half years some important lessons have been learned, other lessons are still in progress of being learned, and others are yet to come. My parents and I have experienced the importance of listening to each other. Hearing each side of the story and sincerely trying to see where the other person is coming from -even if you don't agree with them- is foundational to an edifying and a productive conversation. Once that foundation of listening is established, you can begin to empathize and connect with each other. This has greatly improved our relationship with one another. We have learned to love one another and accept each other, even if there are differences. Of course, that doesn't mean you need to give up what you believe to be right or wrong, but rather you learn to live and respect others who may not see eye-to-eye. That is the message I want to send with all of this, no matter whether it is religion, sexual orientation, politics, science, or some other topic, let us listen, connect, and love. Let us all make the world a better place.
****I've updated and added a new section of the website which presents some useful information to the LGBT & Mormon dialogue: Read it here
Books and Videos
I've attached some books and videos that may be helpful to all individuals: Insight
Resources
If you are struggling in understanding your sexuality, there groups and people who can help and who are there to listen: Resources
As well, I am here to listen. Please reach out if you need anything. My Facebook and Instagram can be found at the bottom of the page.